It seems that....

I only really post here when I make a slip up. Here's yet another example:

Yesterday I started out on the wrong foot. I planned to have only a little scrambled eggs and a bowl of watermelon cubes, but the cafeteria was in the middle of making a fresh batch. I then ended up grabbing a chocolate muffin (haven't had one for so long!), and then ended up grabbing a bagel,too. It turned into one of the largest breakfasts in such a long time, and the majority consisted of highly processed carbs.

So I skipped lunch, and had over half a boca burger for dinner. Not too bad, right? Well, the dorm RAs decided to have a surprise pizza party in the basement around 10:30pm. I politely had a slice, and idiotically triggered binge cravings. They had way too many cheese sticks leftover, and just gave me half a box (about the size of a medium pizza). Last night consisted of shoving every one of those things down my throat only to purge them back into the box (so gross when I reflect upon it). Luckily, I don't have a roommate right now--I woke up about two hours before everyone else on my floor did, so I could air out my room and clean up the evidence. My stomach still feels ill, so I am skipping breakfast and lunch but will have a salad for dinner (and boat loads of water--I'm still extremely thirsty).

I only have about a week and a half of classes left, so I want to go home with at least some sort of progress.

Dorm Food

I have this amazing opportunity to join a summer program at my college where I take six credits of college classes for free. At first, I was hesitant to join since I would be losing my last summer to hang out with friends before they scatter to wherever life takes them. Then I realized the benefits: I'm living away from my family and FREE six credits, dorm, books, and food. It's way more money I could make during the summer, plus I get to be in control of myself and lose weight with less hurdles.

It's already been two weeks into the program. I felt like I've been doing so well since I've been running in the early morning and eating very little (compared to everyone else), not to mention the eight miles of walking a day between classes, the dorm, etc. We didn't have classes during the 4th of July, so I had a chance to go visit my family. I don't have any scale in my dorm so it was the first chance to weigh myself. I made no progress. None whatsoever. I couldn't believe it.

So now, my plan is to keep under 500Cal a day. This includes raw fruit and vegetables (different from the SGD). I used to have one small desert (like a single cookie) a day, but I see that this may have contributed a LOT of empty calories. Most of the entrees they serve are posted between 250Cal and 700Cal per serving, so I may only allow half of one in my meal. If all the options are excessively high (>400Cal), I'll just get a small turkey sandwich (250Cal without cheese).

So, 100 Cal of fruit, 100 Cal of salad, and 300 Cal of entree. This seems possible. Let's hope my determination doesn't slump and I take a crap-ton of food to my dorm to binge in secret.

It's Been A Long While

...since I've posted. Lots of things happened since the last post that really affected me. A friend committed suicide on Valentine's Day, and that was quite tough to get through. It always seems that February and early March are months of depression. And I have tremendous tendencies to become even more of a hermit. But as spring rolls on through and nature rekindles its beauty, I find myself more optimistic, active, and willing to pull through my goals.

Track and field started several weeks ago, and it's been a rough time. First day, I cried since I didn't eat anything that day and I had no energy to run. It was a battle for me to run every lap. Second day, I cried since I actually ate something and felt disgusted with myself. Right now, I feel like crying because I'm on the edge of the weight limit for my pole in pole vaulting.

Yesterday was a frustrating track meet. The head coach stupidly entered me in the 200M dash, which takes place DURING pole vaulting competition. I ended up sprinting to the finish line, jogging immediately back to the 200M start to grab my stuff, and then stride to the pole vault area which is on the opposite end of the 200M start. By the time I got there, I could only do two run-throughs into the pit, yet I was still in my spikes and extremely winded. I didn't have time to change into the shoes I usually wear for pole vaulting, so my steps were wrong. Plus, I couldn't get enough speed to get the correct trajectory to make it over the bar. Never again will I allow the head coach enter me into the 200M dash, nor will I vault with my spikes.

While at the meet, my friend pointed out one pole vaulter. She said, "OMG, he's SO skinny!" in a disgusted tone. I didn't think he looked bad, or had anything wrong with him, but I was curious. I estimated his height around 5'8," and saw the weight limit sticker on his pole read 120lbs (meaning he weighs less than that). Based on those estimations, his BMI is at or below 18, meaning underweight. It made me empathetic and wonder what he may have gone through or still is going through, especially since since pole vaulting is a weight-based sport. What frustrated me was that my friend continued about how that was disgusting to be that skinny, especially since she moans all the time about being fat, feeling her thighs and butt jiggle when she runs, how she wants to eat food yet doesn't want to get fat, etc, when she's skinnier than me. I just wanted to yell at her to shut up and that she doesn't understand how offensive her verbal announcements of fat, food, and body image are to me and other people suffering internally the same damn thing. The only difference is that we're not advertising it, hoping for some pathetic sympathy attention.

All in all, it's Easter weekend, I need to lose weight, and I have to get back into control of my compulsive eating, and get back into the habit of calorie counting. I feel bloated, fat, and repulsive, and feel once again the urge to do something about it.

This is fat a$$ skkai signing off.

Lent

Religious belief is one of those things that's never static. I have had years where I felt very religious, and I've had years where I've questioned every aspect of it. I don't feel like going into details about my current beliefs right now, but it doesn't mean I don't like that style of discussions. So long as people are respectful and can control themselves when there is disagreement, I enjoy these conversations.

My family follows Christian traditions. This includes Lent, which is a 40 day long time of self-denial and religious thought that takes place between Ash Wednesday and Easter. It's to commemorate the 40 days Jesus spent in the desert and how he was crucified and resurrected. Usually, followers today refrain from things like chocolate, meat, alcohol, or desserts, or they limit pleasurable activities like gaming, television, or internet. During the middle ages, people would follow vegan lifestyle, but the rules to the fasting slackened as time progressed.

I've felt the euphoria that comes from fasting before, and can see the association between spirituality and fasting. The hunger causes the senses to become more keen, and it makes the world feel all the more beautiful. Fasting, however, isn't easy since minutes pass as slow as hours. And a successful first few days are extremely tough as the body is switching to ketosis.

For Lent, I created several restrictions with varying degrees of difficulties. I wish I was strong enough to follow them all, but I discovered I still lack the self-discipline to follow them all. I list them in easiest to hardest:

*To go without eating mammal flesh

*To go without sugar--Chocolates, cookies, pastries, cakes, chips, desserts, cereals

*To go without any animal flesh

*To go binge-free for 40 days

*To fast from all foods 24 hours straight, once per week.

Messed up already on the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th goals, and I missed a great opportunity for a 24 hour fast, but there's still Saturday. I don't think I'll be able to pass a fast on Saturday with my mom, but I should aspire for it as long as possible. Trying to go the remaining days is my goal now.

As for behaviors, I compulsively weigh myself. I plan to go the whole time without weighing myself. This will most likely drive me insane, but it will probably be a step forwards to overall sanity.

I hope for the best of luck to those also participating in Lent!

skkai

I Suck

I've lost any self control over my eating habits. I've binged for probably a week straight, and gained weight again. I feel so disappointed in myself. I feel stressed about my future: I've not yet been accepted by my WAY-preferred, top-notch college; I've procrastinated in my classwork and have not-so-good grades; I'm most likely going to keep 'dieting,' gain weight, and be fat forever; and I don't even know if I really want what I tell my parents I want to do with my life.

I claim that I want to become a medical doctor. I hate people, and my job will force me to work with them for hours-on-end. The hours are quite terrible--I've seen family members who came back from night call, or fresh from a 36 hour shift. It requires constant studying of new medical practices, and I don't know if I'll have the energy to keep that up. Getting into medical school is almost a $300,000 ordeal, and I don't even know if I'll make it through.

My parents say that I'm 'blessed' with intelligence and that I'd be damned to not utilize it. They say that so few people have the capability to become doctors that those who can should. Ever since I've been able to retain memories of "what I wanted to be when I grow up," I've said "doctor." But I think it's because they've been saying "doctor" enough times to convince me that I want to become a doctor.

I feel like I'm not cut out to become one. I feel like four years from now, I'll be taking the MCAT test and failing. Or 8 years from now I'll freak out about poking some dead body with needles before doing it on a real one. Or perhaps 12 years from now where I'll be working with patients who I don't care for. Or 25 years from now, when I realize I've been miserable all my life, witnessing the deaths of many and the tears of their families, or not caring about the countless others who I've healed.

I want to rage quit right now. I don't want to deal with life, I don't want to deal with friends, with school, with family, with internet, or with food. I want to be completely removed from all of the stresses and distractions and do some major pondering. I feel like I need to spend some time to figure out who I am, what I stand for, and what I shall do. I don't want to have the constant battle with food, with the instinctual impulses to consume former lifeforms so I may selfishly live. In many ways, I wish I could just be a plant. You just need to respect a plant, let it have the water, nutrients, and space it needs, and you can forget about it.

February is always a month of purple. It's the time where people are depressed. The nights are cloudy red, the days are cloudy gray. The few rays of sunshine are met by 10°F temperatures. I could probably fade away again from my 'friends' and no one would care, no one will notice. The time of vibrant colors seems so distant, it makes the future reflect the perpetual gray shrouding the land.

I need time to vent what's been eating at me. I've had a stone wall around my feelings for the last few weeks, unable to expel any distressing thoughts. Without this blog, they would corrode me from the inside much faster. It's the thought that people may have some minuscule interest in my thoughts and feelings that propels me to not just give up at this and fade from here. Thank you.

loser as always, Skkai.

Lucifer Appears Before Me

...in the form of sugar

Today was pretty much hell. We had an open discussion day in my first hour social studies, and I spent a little more than one hour staring at my friend's chocolate muffin resting upon the desk beside me. That chocolaty devil held my attention and destroyed my resistance to food. During the entire morning, my mind was thinking about that damn muffin. I tried to regain focus by thinking, "I have to bake cookies for the recital tomorrow. I can wait another 4-5 hours."

No, I couldn't. Just before the cafeteria closed, I purchased my own stupid muffin. I don't even think I enjoyed it. I ate it because every nerve in my body was craving it, but my mind shouted, "This is stupid. It's pointless. It's wasting 210 Calories!"

And then my food [sugar] cravings went through the roof. During AP Calculus, I actually did ask for one of those twizzlers. Plus I 'stole' a few pure-sugar candies from my friend next to me. And then 'begged' one of those 'Combos' (tubular, cheesy ritz bitz) right before running.

When it was time to run, I wanted to run for 5 miles. Unfortunately, it's about 30 degrees outside, so some snow melted and refroze across sidewalks. It would have been foolish to travel that far away in case someone falls or twists an ankle from the ice. We did hill sprints instead. I pushed myself until my field of vision narrowed to 3° (instead of the usual 95°). Everything was blurry, which gave the scenario a surreal characteristic.

Upon returning home, I felt like I already blew it today. I had two more slices of the cupcake-cinnamon-like bread before mixing the batter. I had probably the equivalent of 5-10 cookies of raw dough, which upset my stomach. I then had a large handful of grapes, and finished off the sugared jello. I hoped it was one of those days where my mom would leave me to prepare my own dinner. I would have just skipped it. My stomach felt like bursting.

Instead, she brought home dinner from a restaurant. I used to think it was an alright restaurant since it's rare to find authentic Puerto Rican food. I've grown to not like it simply because the food is full of salty garlic sauce that tastes fatty and upsets my stomach. Luckily she ordered chicken for me. When she was again gone about an hour later, I washed away all the sauce and seasonings from the chicken and had a few bites. Then I tossed out about half the rice, some of the now soggy bacalaito, and one of the over-cooked tostones. I felt bad for what I did because I believe it wrong to waste food, but she could not understand me not eating dinner.

It wasn't until 10:40pm when I began baking the dough (the cookies turn out best after being chilled). I finally got the recipe and method down where they turn out thick, soft, and rich in flavor. When I have the chance, I'll add a recipe tab to my blog and include my cookie recipe and technique. I stopped baking a little past midnight since the dough was too warm and I needed time to clean up.

I'm still warm from the sugar rush. I don't even want to know my weight right now. I feel like a fat, bloated glutton with grotesque thighs and butt. My dream is that with my weight loss efforts, my lower body will shrink.

Sorry if it's a long, ranty post. I feel like crap from the all the crap I've eaten today. I just needed to vent. Hope everyone's been doing well!

Skkai's out.

...February...

 As usual: weight goes up, weight goes down, I binge, I fast, I self-hate. I've not made that much progress comparing the start of December to the end of January--perhaps a median weight shift of -2 pounds. I consider it too slow, but progress is progress none the less.

My goal is to be near by UGW before I begin college in the fall. That's about 210 days (30 weeks) to lose about 30lbs. That's actually a reasonable goal. One pound per week connotes -500 cal per day, or about 1000 Calories allowed if I don't exercise. My goal calorie range is between 800 Cal and 1100 Cal simply because some days will be mess-up days. Of course, I plan on exercising about every day (since we need a rest day about once per week for affective strengthening).

The last two days I've been doing well sticking to my 1100 Calorie maximum. I ran today about 1.5 miles, roughly 150 extra calories burned. Although I feel like I did a bad job today since I ended at 1100 Cal exactly, I'm proud to say I effectively stopped a binge tonight. I woke up from accidentally sleeping while doing homework, and ended up walking to the kitchen. I had some jello, a slice of a strange cupcake-cinnamon-role-like bread, and was about to dive into a box of Cheerios (a point of no return). I hesitated, and was fought really hard the urge to think, "It's alright if you have a small handful. You ran, you can spare 50 Cal." I found it helped doing three things: closing my eyes, visualizing the Cheerios blue (their negative color), and imagining myself not sitting on the kitchen floor but at the living room, bedroom, some faraway place, etc. I distracted my mind by thinking about every detail in the new location until my body no longer focused on the cereal. Then I quickly got up, put the box away, and left the kitchen before my eyes caught another food item.

I was shocked when I awoke this morning and weighed myself. I went to bed at 121.2lbs and woke up at 119.8lbs. After running, I was at 118.6lbs. Right now, I'm at 120.2lbs. What's musing about language is how people can say, "I'm at ___ lbs/kilos," or "I'm ___lbs/kilos." The latter implies that the weight defines the person. I'm curious how long until I no longer include the preposition "at" when I express my weight.

I regret not posting more, but the end of January was stressful with multiple, tough scholarship essays to write. It occupied my mind, stressed me, got my parents yelling at me, and forced me to think about myself in ways that made me cry from self-slander. It digressed my efforts because I would emotionally eat, but the essays are done and no longer hold power over me.

For those who took the time to read, thank you! Even though I won't know if people read anything, I like to think that someone cares enough for a stranger to experience second-hand the horrors of an ED. The act of being truthful works wonders for the mind and conscience. Thank you, lovelies!

Skkai out.

Sugar

I've made progress, faltered, got back on my feet, and caved in from stress. Finals are this week, and the stress of it broke my concentration and I ended up succumbing to my sugar cravings. I despise the unnatural warmth caused by the sugar rush along with the lethargic feeling after consuming 2000 Calories of junk throughout the day. Oh, how I abhor myself right now.

Let me not forget how my loneliness evolves. I've not  met up with my friends for about 2 months--not even say "hi" during the ten-minute passing periods or thirty-minute lunch break. This trend stays true for social media like facebook. In the last 3 months, I've only done 6 activities despite checking about once per day or two. The crux of my realization was that none of my friends bothered to check up on me. Not even a text message saying, "Hey, how has things been? It's been a while since I've heard from you." The only person who has made that effort has been my ex-boyfriend, and he's the one who broke up with me.

Photo courtesy of
http://www.hermitcrabshome.com/

Perhaps this is why I've taken up activities that require only the individual. I've been reading in my pass time, though when I'm done with this series I'll probably move onto a different activity in my cache. I need to practice my piano more, and I should expand my chainmail hauberk. I may even return to gaming, except that the last time I've done so my eyes hurt for the rest of the evening (although 8 hours spent staring at my computer or Nintendo DS screen might have been overkill). Perhaps I could continue writing my fantasy novel or drawing.

I'll mix things up and present myself a challenge: for every day I go without sweets, I'll add another hour  to free activity time. I can only cash in the hours Sunday of that week, resetting the count the following Monday. In this way, if I mess up, I still have a motive to continue. Let's see if I can make it to the end of finals this week without sugar.

Hope you've not given up on your new year's resolution yet! Skkai's out.

Aaaand...Now I Slip

Thursday was such a good day. I was proud. But I think I restricted more than what I'm used to. Friday afternoon, my instinct kicked in and I craved food with a stronger drive than I could control.

In the last class of the day, my class decided to have a treat day with a few snacks and a movie related to the class subject. I exhausted my determination to not eat, and ended up grabbing some potato chips and two cookies from the treat table. And by some potato chips, I mean about 1000 Cal worth of decadence. I'm embarrassed, especially since it took place in a room of people. Unfortunately, that wasn't enough to satisfy my craving.

Upon returning home, I binged on sugary cereal, a banana, and random ingredients found throughout the kitchen. It was mindless, delicious, and nightmarish. I felt disgusted with myself for soiling my good work on Thursday. My binge mindset didn't clear up during dinner where I had way too many appetizers. If my stomach didn't hurt, I know I would have kept eating. Luckily, it wasn't as horrible as Christmas Eve, and I didn't follow my thoughts to purge it.

Saturday was less extreme as Friday. I had moderate cravings throughout the afternoon, but gave in to my raging sweet tooth in the evening. My tongue desired the taste of chocolate, so I attacked the chocolate fudge ice cream in the freezer. I didn't even have the dignity to scoop it into a separate bowl.

The last few days spurred me to take Sunday seriously. I feel like I can control my impulses for eating. I learned my limit of excessive restricting to avoid a binge the next day. I just hope that over time, my discipline will improve and I can reach my goal faster.

Hope things been going well, readers. Skkai's out.

Success!

It's been such a long time since I've felt in control of my eating. Today was one of my better days in such a long time.

I didn't eat breakfast or lunch as usual. I'm at the point where my body ignores being hungry until early/mid afternoon, and it's impossible to eat during class. By avoiding the cafeteria and the kitchen in the morning, I'm not tempted to soil my effort. The only problem is when I'm back at home.

A couple friends and I run track and cross country. Although I've been busy with college applications and other things, I've been unable to keep running after school when the cross country season finished. To be prepared for track this year, my friends and I would need to start running and training now. Luckily, the most convenient time is right after school. This keeps me busy and unable to eat until dinner (or no more than an hour, which is about as long as my tolerance by then).

Dinner today was broiled brats with a little rösti (think hash browns with cheese), and then I couldn't help myself but have a tiny handful of M&M chocolates. My calorie count today is about 800 Cal, and I don't feel hungry. I forbid myself from spoiling my good mood by grazing on food (which happened yesterday). It's felt like forever since my calorie count's been under 1000.

I've not weighed myself today, but I don't want to see it. If it's not lighter than yesterday, I may rage and end up eating. And that would not be cool.

Hope your day's been as good as mine. Skkai.

Closets

Hurray for the end of last year. Now it's time to resurrect all the broken hopes, dreams, and goals long buried last spring just because the planet reached an arbitrary position around the sun.

My family and I went on a ski trip to celebrate New Year. Although that meant being close to people who would notice and control breakfast, lunch, and dinner to an unsettling extent. I became accustomed to a lack/minimal breakfast and no lunch save a piece of fruit sometime between waking up and dinner. I felt like a pig when I ate on their time, forced by social norms, and called "hungry" just because I ate when in fact I felt no hunger. But there was little I could do. My hunger works like an on/off switch--once my stomach feels a little relief with food, it wants complete liberation from hunger.

So I ended up eating more. And more. And felt disgusted with myself. When I returned to my house, I couldn't help but weigh myself. I knew it was expected, but I couldn't help but feel the grief when the numbers showed regression. The New Year relief with new hopes and dreams couldn't be more appreciated.

For Christmas, I received several new shirts. Although they were a little on the tight side, I love them and won't return them for a more fitting size. I needed to make room in my closet (aka, free up hangers--I feel like a pack-rat if the clothes are tightly packed, so limiting hanger count works). I found several clothes that could never be worn again (size, fashion, decaying), but also tried on many I've not worn for weeks/months. It's either my mind playing tricks or the truth I don't want to acknowledge--my clothes felt on the tight side. I take it as inspiration. I want to reach 115lbs by the end of January, which should already make my clothes feel looser.

Good luck people for your own New Year's goals! Skkai out.