I've lost any self control over my eating habits. I've binged for probably a week straight, and gained weight again. I feel so disappointed in myself. I feel stressed about my future: I've not yet been accepted by my WAY-preferred, top-notch college; I've procrastinated in my classwork and have not-so-good grades; I'm most likely going to keep 'dieting,' gain weight, and be fat forever; and I don't even know if I really want what I tell my parents I want to do with my life.
I claim that I want to become a medical doctor. I hate people, and my job will force me to work with them for hours-on-end. The hours are quite terrible--I've seen family members who came back from night call, or fresh from a 36 hour shift. It requires constant studying of new medical practices, and I don't know if I'll have the energy to keep that up. Getting into medical school is almost a $300,000 ordeal, and I don't even know if I'll make it through.
My parents say that I'm 'blessed' with intelligence and that I'd be damned to not utilize it. They say that so few people have the capability to become doctors that those who can should. Ever since I've been able to retain memories of "what I wanted to be when I grow up," I've said "doctor." But I think it's because they've been saying "doctor" enough times to convince me that I want to become a doctor.
I feel like I'm not cut out to become one. I feel like four years from now, I'll be taking the MCAT test and failing. Or 8 years from now I'll freak out about poking some dead body with needles before doing it on a real one. Or perhaps 12 years from now where I'll be working with patients who I don't care for. Or 25 years from now, when I realize I've been miserable all my life, witnessing the deaths of many and the tears of their families, or not caring about the countless others who I've healed.
I want to rage quit right now. I don't want to deal with life, I don't want to deal with friends, with school, with family, with internet, or with food. I want to be completely removed from all of the stresses and distractions and do some major pondering. I feel like I need to spend some time to figure out who I am, what I stand for, and what I shall do. I don't want to have the constant battle with food, with the instinctual impulses to consume former lifeforms so I may selfishly live. In many ways, I wish I could just be a plant. You just need to respect a plant, let it have the water, nutrients, and space it needs, and you can forget about it.
February is always a month of purple. It's the time where people are depressed. The nights are cloudy red, the days are cloudy gray. The few rays of sunshine are met by 10°F temperatures. I could probably fade away again from my 'friends' and no one would care, no one will notice. The time of vibrant colors seems so distant, it makes the future reflect the perpetual gray shrouding the land.
I need time to vent what's been eating at me. I've had a stone wall around my feelings for the last few weeks, unable to expel any distressing thoughts. Without this blog, they would corrode me from the inside much faster. It's the thought that people may have some minuscule interest in my thoughts and feelings that propels me to not just give up at this and fade from here. Thank you.
loser as always, Skkai.
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