I ate a forbidden food

And didn't feel guilty! (sort of) It was one of those long John donuts my dad brought from work. I haven't eaten a donut in over a year.

Earlier that day, I ran several miles, didn't eat lunch, and had a light supper. I was feeling hungry, and I calculated my calorie intake to be half of my daily allotment. When the thought crossed my mind, I dismissed it as another stupid craving. But then I thought, why not? I have probably exercised more than what it contained, and so I could afford it.

I grabbed that sucker off the dining table and sprinted to my bedroom. My heart racing from the feel of danger, I took my first bite. And swallowed. And repeated.

Half way through, dread kicked in. I started thinking that this will undo all my effort. Guilt plagued my mind; my jaws stopped chewing. I felt like purging. I almost did, too, but then I remembered that night that I binged on two entire pizzas plus a shit-ton of other foods, purged in tubberware containers, and shook for several hours afterwards--the night that I vowed to be my last purge episode.

With newly found determination, I took a deep breath and scarfed down the rest of that bastard. Chocolate goodness and all. All 420 Calories of it, gone, in my stomach.

I thought it was over then, but oh no. Right before I left the house to hang out with friends, my mom called me over to the living room. She stared at me, told me to turn around, and then asked, "Have you lost weight?"

Sheepishly, I nodded. "yeah."

"Well, it shows. Your jawline looks tighter."

WTF? I barely lost any weight, and she says she can see results? She lies. Or she's been watching me like a hawk and has a better sense of my body perception than I do (which is probably true). But I doubt it's noticeable. She probably just said that since I said I lost weight. It might be her form of encouragement. I don't want encouragement, but I acknowledge her effort at trying to be supportive (in an ironic sort of way).

As I turned around, my dad remarked, "How about that donut?" He knew I ate it (by process of elimination), but my mom then tensed up and started asking him a bunch of questions. He realized what he did, so I thank him for the sacrifice: he said that he ate the donut. My mom probably lectured him about bringing donuts, so I can only imagine. I owe him one, though.

So, do I have regrets? No. It was nothing more than just another experience. It had both positive effects and negative effects. But it was a decision I'm glad I did.

PS: Even after this ordeal, I felt like I was heavy. but the scale said otherwise. I claim that the scale is lying, too.

Well, That Was Triggering.

So, my mom is now starting to diet and exercise. I say good for her, especially since she has many weight-related health issues that may disappear after losing some weight. The only problem is that she is going overboard about talking about her diet.

She's pretty much the only person who cooks dinner in the house, so everyone in the house now has to follow her dinner diet plan. I at first was thrilled because now dinners are foods I consider "safe," like chicken, fish, and lots of vegetables and salads. However, she's now starting to preach to everyone in the house about dieting, exercising, and how to lose weight. I already KNOW all that stuff, and can even explain the biological mechanisms involved. I don't want someone to constantly be spewing out dieting tips and tricks ten times a day. It's very triggering, and I DON'T want to think about that stuff any more than I already do.

The worse thing is that she is now telling me that I should lose weight ("You don't say?!"). I already think that. You don't have to tell me every other day, pinching my arm fat IN PUBLIC while saying that. I used to actually like how my arms look, but after that, I absolutely HATE THEM. Thank you, mother. Thank you very much. You're not helping me with my self loathing, especially when telling everyone in the family, "We've joined forces in our dieting efforts."

And asking me a bunch of food or diet related questions was the most painful experience. "What's your food weakness?" "What was your heaviest weight?" "How much do you weigh?" "How long since you've last exercised?" Every single question brought up feelings of shame, guilt, and inadequacy. I just want to be left alone, left to my own devices with food. Since the end of the spring semester, I've not binged/purged at all. I've actually been able to eat "forbidden" food like cereal without guilt. But because of your words, mother, I've mentally beaten myself up and resorted to hard-core restricting.

The crazy part of me is thankful, because I now have the strength and determination to follow a 500-Cal or less per day plan. But the sane part of me (lol I have a sane part?) is cursing you for instigating unhealthy behaviors again.