Sugar

I've made progress, faltered, got back on my feet, and caved in from stress. Finals are this week, and the stress of it broke my concentration and I ended up succumbing to my sugar cravings. I despise the unnatural warmth caused by the sugar rush along with the lethargic feeling after consuming 2000 Calories of junk throughout the day. Oh, how I abhor myself right now.

Let me not forget how my loneliness evolves. I've not  met up with my friends for about 2 months--not even say "hi" during the ten-minute passing periods or thirty-minute lunch break. This trend stays true for social media like facebook. In the last 3 months, I've only done 6 activities despite checking about once per day or two. The crux of my realization was that none of my friends bothered to check up on me. Not even a text message saying, "Hey, how has things been? It's been a while since I've heard from you." The only person who has made that effort has been my ex-boyfriend, and he's the one who broke up with me.

Photo courtesy of
http://www.hermitcrabshome.com/

Perhaps this is why I've taken up activities that require only the individual. I've been reading in my pass time, though when I'm done with this series I'll probably move onto a different activity in my cache. I need to practice my piano more, and I should expand my chainmail hauberk. I may even return to gaming, except that the last time I've done so my eyes hurt for the rest of the evening (although 8 hours spent staring at my computer or Nintendo DS screen might have been overkill). Perhaps I could continue writing my fantasy novel or drawing.

I'll mix things up and present myself a challenge: for every day I go without sweets, I'll add another hour  to free activity time. I can only cash in the hours Sunday of that week, resetting the count the following Monday. In this way, if I mess up, I still have a motive to continue. Let's see if I can make it to the end of finals this week without sugar.

Hope you've not given up on your new year's resolution yet! Skkai's out.

Aaaand...Now I Slip

Thursday was such a good day. I was proud. But I think I restricted more than what I'm used to. Friday afternoon, my instinct kicked in and I craved food with a stronger drive than I could control.

In the last class of the day, my class decided to have a treat day with a few snacks and a movie related to the class subject. I exhausted my determination to not eat, and ended up grabbing some potato chips and two cookies from the treat table. And by some potato chips, I mean about 1000 Cal worth of decadence. I'm embarrassed, especially since it took place in a room of people. Unfortunately, that wasn't enough to satisfy my craving.

Upon returning home, I binged on sugary cereal, a banana, and random ingredients found throughout the kitchen. It was mindless, delicious, and nightmarish. I felt disgusted with myself for soiling my good work on Thursday. My binge mindset didn't clear up during dinner where I had way too many appetizers. If my stomach didn't hurt, I know I would have kept eating. Luckily, it wasn't as horrible as Christmas Eve, and I didn't follow my thoughts to purge it.

Saturday was less extreme as Friday. I had moderate cravings throughout the afternoon, but gave in to my raging sweet tooth in the evening. My tongue desired the taste of chocolate, so I attacked the chocolate fudge ice cream in the freezer. I didn't even have the dignity to scoop it into a separate bowl.

The last few days spurred me to take Sunday seriously. I feel like I can control my impulses for eating. I learned my limit of excessive restricting to avoid a binge the next day. I just hope that over time, my discipline will improve and I can reach my goal faster.

Hope things been going well, readers. Skkai's out.

Success!

It's been such a long time since I've felt in control of my eating. Today was one of my better days in such a long time.

I didn't eat breakfast or lunch as usual. I'm at the point where my body ignores being hungry until early/mid afternoon, and it's impossible to eat during class. By avoiding the cafeteria and the kitchen in the morning, I'm not tempted to soil my effort. The only problem is when I'm back at home.

A couple friends and I run track and cross country. Although I've been busy with college applications and other things, I've been unable to keep running after school when the cross country season finished. To be prepared for track this year, my friends and I would need to start running and training now. Luckily, the most convenient time is right after school. This keeps me busy and unable to eat until dinner (or no more than an hour, which is about as long as my tolerance by then).

Dinner today was broiled brats with a little rösti (think hash browns with cheese), and then I couldn't help myself but have a tiny handful of M&M chocolates. My calorie count today is about 800 Cal, and I don't feel hungry. I forbid myself from spoiling my good mood by grazing on food (which happened yesterday). It's felt like forever since my calorie count's been under 1000.

I've not weighed myself today, but I don't want to see it. If it's not lighter than yesterday, I may rage and end up eating. And that would not be cool.

Hope your day's been as good as mine. Skkai.

Closets

Hurray for the end of last year. Now it's time to resurrect all the broken hopes, dreams, and goals long buried last spring just because the planet reached an arbitrary position around the sun.

My family and I went on a ski trip to celebrate New Year. Although that meant being close to people who would notice and control breakfast, lunch, and dinner to an unsettling extent. I became accustomed to a lack/minimal breakfast and no lunch save a piece of fruit sometime between waking up and dinner. I felt like a pig when I ate on their time, forced by social norms, and called "hungry" just because I ate when in fact I felt no hunger. But there was little I could do. My hunger works like an on/off switch--once my stomach feels a little relief with food, it wants complete liberation from hunger.

So I ended up eating more. And more. And felt disgusted with myself. When I returned to my house, I couldn't help but weigh myself. I knew it was expected, but I couldn't help but feel the grief when the numbers showed regression. The New Year relief with new hopes and dreams couldn't be more appreciated.

For Christmas, I received several new shirts. Although they were a little on the tight side, I love them and won't return them for a more fitting size. I needed to make room in my closet (aka, free up hangers--I feel like a pack-rat if the clothes are tightly packed, so limiting hanger count works). I found several clothes that could never be worn again (size, fashion, decaying), but also tried on many I've not worn for weeks/months. It's either my mind playing tricks or the truth I don't want to acknowledge--my clothes felt on the tight side. I take it as inspiration. I want to reach 115lbs by the end of January, which should already make my clothes feel looser.

Good luck people for your own New Year's goals! Skkai out.