...since I've posted. Lots of things happened since the last post that really affected me. A friend committed suicide on Valentine's Day, and that was quite tough to get through. It always seems that February and early March are months of depression. And I have tremendous tendencies to become even more of a hermit. But as spring rolls on through and nature rekindles its beauty, I find myself more optimistic, active, and willing to pull through my goals.
Track and field started several weeks ago, and it's been a rough time. First day, I cried since I didn't eat anything that day and I had no energy to run. It was a battle for me to run every lap. Second day, I cried since I actually ate something and felt disgusted with myself. Right now, I feel like crying because I'm on the edge of the weight limit for my pole in pole vaulting.
Yesterday was a frustrating track meet. The head coach stupidly entered me in the 200M dash, which takes place DURING pole vaulting competition. I ended up sprinting to the finish line, jogging immediately back to the 200M start to grab my stuff, and then stride to the pole vault area which is on the opposite end of the 200M start. By the time I got there, I could only do two run-throughs into the pit, yet I was still in my spikes and extremely winded. I didn't have time to change into the shoes I usually wear for pole vaulting, so my steps were wrong. Plus, I couldn't get enough speed to get the correct trajectory to make it over the bar. Never again will I allow the head coach enter me into the 200M dash, nor will I vault with my spikes.
While at the meet, my friend pointed out one pole vaulter. She said, "OMG, he's SO skinny!" in a disgusted tone. I didn't think he looked bad, or had anything wrong with him, but I was curious. I estimated his height around 5'8," and saw the weight limit sticker on his pole read 120lbs (meaning he weighs less than that). Based on those estimations, his BMI is at or below 18, meaning underweight. It made me empathetic and wonder what he may have gone through or still is going through, especially since since pole vaulting is a weight-based sport. What frustrated me was that my friend continued about how that was disgusting to be that skinny, especially since she moans all the time about being fat, feeling her thighs and butt jiggle when she runs, how she wants to eat food yet doesn't want to get fat, etc, when she's skinnier than me. I just wanted to yell at her to shut up and that she doesn't understand how offensive her verbal announcements of fat, food, and body image are to me and other people suffering internally the same damn thing. The only difference is that we're not advertising it, hoping for some pathetic sympathy attention.
All in all, it's Easter weekend, I need to lose weight, and I have to get back into control of my compulsive eating, and get back into the habit of calorie counting. I feel bloated, fat, and repulsive, and feel once again the urge to do something about it.
This is fat a$$ skkai signing off.
