Lent

Religious belief is one of those things that's never static. I have had years where I felt very religious, and I've had years where I've questioned every aspect of it. I don't feel like going into details about my current beliefs right now, but it doesn't mean I don't like that style of discussions. So long as people are respectful and can control themselves when there is disagreement, I enjoy these conversations.

My family follows Christian traditions. This includes Lent, which is a 40 day long time of self-denial and religious thought that takes place between Ash Wednesday and Easter. It's to commemorate the 40 days Jesus spent in the desert and how he was crucified and resurrected. Usually, followers today refrain from things like chocolate, meat, alcohol, or desserts, or they limit pleasurable activities like gaming, television, or internet. During the middle ages, people would follow vegan lifestyle, but the rules to the fasting slackened as time progressed.

I've felt the euphoria that comes from fasting before, and can see the association between spirituality and fasting. The hunger causes the senses to become more keen, and it makes the world feel all the more beautiful. Fasting, however, isn't easy since minutes pass as slow as hours. And a successful first few days are extremely tough as the body is switching to ketosis.

For Lent, I created several restrictions with varying degrees of difficulties. I wish I was strong enough to follow them all, but I discovered I still lack the self-discipline to follow them all. I list them in easiest to hardest:

*To go without eating mammal flesh

*To go without sugar--Chocolates, cookies, pastries, cakes, chips, desserts, cereals

*To go without any animal flesh

*To go binge-free for 40 days

*To fast from all foods 24 hours straight, once per week.

Messed up already on the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th goals, and I missed a great opportunity for a 24 hour fast, but there's still Saturday. I don't think I'll be able to pass a fast on Saturday with my mom, but I should aspire for it as long as possible. Trying to go the remaining days is my goal now.

As for behaviors, I compulsively weigh myself. I plan to go the whole time without weighing myself. This will most likely drive me insane, but it will probably be a step forwards to overall sanity.

I hope for the best of luck to those also participating in Lent!

skkai

I Suck

I've lost any self control over my eating habits. I've binged for probably a week straight, and gained weight again. I feel so disappointed in myself. I feel stressed about my future: I've not yet been accepted by my WAY-preferred, top-notch college; I've procrastinated in my classwork and have not-so-good grades; I'm most likely going to keep 'dieting,' gain weight, and be fat forever; and I don't even know if I really want what I tell my parents I want to do with my life.

I claim that I want to become a medical doctor. I hate people, and my job will force me to work with them for hours-on-end. The hours are quite terrible--I've seen family members who came back from night call, or fresh from a 36 hour shift. It requires constant studying of new medical practices, and I don't know if I'll have the energy to keep that up. Getting into medical school is almost a $300,000 ordeal, and I don't even know if I'll make it through.

My parents say that I'm 'blessed' with intelligence and that I'd be damned to not utilize it. They say that so few people have the capability to become doctors that those who can should. Ever since I've been able to retain memories of "what I wanted to be when I grow up," I've said "doctor." But I think it's because they've been saying "doctor" enough times to convince me that I want to become a doctor.

I feel like I'm not cut out to become one. I feel like four years from now, I'll be taking the MCAT test and failing. Or 8 years from now I'll freak out about poking some dead body with needles before doing it on a real one. Or perhaps 12 years from now where I'll be working with patients who I don't care for. Or 25 years from now, when I realize I've been miserable all my life, witnessing the deaths of many and the tears of their families, or not caring about the countless others who I've healed.

I want to rage quit right now. I don't want to deal with life, I don't want to deal with friends, with school, with family, with internet, or with food. I want to be completely removed from all of the stresses and distractions and do some major pondering. I feel like I need to spend some time to figure out who I am, what I stand for, and what I shall do. I don't want to have the constant battle with food, with the instinctual impulses to consume former lifeforms so I may selfishly live. In many ways, I wish I could just be a plant. You just need to respect a plant, let it have the water, nutrients, and space it needs, and you can forget about it.

February is always a month of purple. It's the time where people are depressed. The nights are cloudy red, the days are cloudy gray. The few rays of sunshine are met by 10°F temperatures. I could probably fade away again from my 'friends' and no one would care, no one will notice. The time of vibrant colors seems so distant, it makes the future reflect the perpetual gray shrouding the land.

I need time to vent what's been eating at me. I've had a stone wall around my feelings for the last few weeks, unable to expel any distressing thoughts. Without this blog, they would corrode me from the inside much faster. It's the thought that people may have some minuscule interest in my thoughts and feelings that propels me to not just give up at this and fade from here. Thank you.

loser as always, Skkai.

Lucifer Appears Before Me

...in the form of sugar

Today was pretty much hell. We had an open discussion day in my first hour social studies, and I spent a little more than one hour staring at my friend's chocolate muffin resting upon the desk beside me. That chocolaty devil held my attention and destroyed my resistance to food. During the entire morning, my mind was thinking about that damn muffin. I tried to regain focus by thinking, "I have to bake cookies for the recital tomorrow. I can wait another 4-5 hours."

No, I couldn't. Just before the cafeteria closed, I purchased my own stupid muffin. I don't even think I enjoyed it. I ate it because every nerve in my body was craving it, but my mind shouted, "This is stupid. It's pointless. It's wasting 210 Calories!"

And then my food [sugar] cravings went through the roof. During AP Calculus, I actually did ask for one of those twizzlers. Plus I 'stole' a few pure-sugar candies from my friend next to me. And then 'begged' one of those 'Combos' (tubular, cheesy ritz bitz) right before running.

When it was time to run, I wanted to run for 5 miles. Unfortunately, it's about 30 degrees outside, so some snow melted and refroze across sidewalks. It would have been foolish to travel that far away in case someone falls or twists an ankle from the ice. We did hill sprints instead. I pushed myself until my field of vision narrowed to 3° (instead of the usual 95°). Everything was blurry, which gave the scenario a surreal characteristic.

Upon returning home, I felt like I already blew it today. I had two more slices of the cupcake-cinnamon-like bread before mixing the batter. I had probably the equivalent of 5-10 cookies of raw dough, which upset my stomach. I then had a large handful of grapes, and finished off the sugared jello. I hoped it was one of those days where my mom would leave me to prepare my own dinner. I would have just skipped it. My stomach felt like bursting.

Instead, she brought home dinner from a restaurant. I used to think it was an alright restaurant since it's rare to find authentic Puerto Rican food. I've grown to not like it simply because the food is full of salty garlic sauce that tastes fatty and upsets my stomach. Luckily she ordered chicken for me. When she was again gone about an hour later, I washed away all the sauce and seasonings from the chicken and had a few bites. Then I tossed out about half the rice, some of the now soggy bacalaito, and one of the over-cooked tostones. I felt bad for what I did because I believe it wrong to waste food, but she could not understand me not eating dinner.

It wasn't until 10:40pm when I began baking the dough (the cookies turn out best after being chilled). I finally got the recipe and method down where they turn out thick, soft, and rich in flavor. When I have the chance, I'll add a recipe tab to my blog and include my cookie recipe and technique. I stopped baking a little past midnight since the dough was too warm and I needed time to clean up.

I'm still warm from the sugar rush. I don't even want to know my weight right now. I feel like a fat, bloated glutton with grotesque thighs and butt. My dream is that with my weight loss efforts, my lower body will shrink.

Sorry if it's a long, ranty post. I feel like crap from the all the crap I've eaten today. I just needed to vent. Hope everyone's been doing well!

Skkai's out.

...February...

 As usual: weight goes up, weight goes down, I binge, I fast, I self-hate. I've not made that much progress comparing the start of December to the end of January--perhaps a median weight shift of -2 pounds. I consider it too slow, but progress is progress none the less.

My goal is to be near by UGW before I begin college in the fall. That's about 210 days (30 weeks) to lose about 30lbs. That's actually a reasonable goal. One pound per week connotes -500 cal per day, or about 1000 Calories allowed if I don't exercise. My goal calorie range is between 800 Cal and 1100 Cal simply because some days will be mess-up days. Of course, I plan on exercising about every day (since we need a rest day about once per week for affective strengthening).

The last two days I've been doing well sticking to my 1100 Calorie maximum. I ran today about 1.5 miles, roughly 150 extra calories burned. Although I feel like I did a bad job today since I ended at 1100 Cal exactly, I'm proud to say I effectively stopped a binge tonight. I woke up from accidentally sleeping while doing homework, and ended up walking to the kitchen. I had some jello, a slice of a strange cupcake-cinnamon-role-like bread, and was about to dive into a box of Cheerios (a point of no return). I hesitated, and was fought really hard the urge to think, "It's alright if you have a small handful. You ran, you can spare 50 Cal." I found it helped doing three things: closing my eyes, visualizing the Cheerios blue (their negative color), and imagining myself not sitting on the kitchen floor but at the living room, bedroom, some faraway place, etc. I distracted my mind by thinking about every detail in the new location until my body no longer focused on the cereal. Then I quickly got up, put the box away, and left the kitchen before my eyes caught another food item.

I was shocked when I awoke this morning and weighed myself. I went to bed at 121.2lbs and woke up at 119.8lbs. After running, I was at 118.6lbs. Right now, I'm at 120.2lbs. What's musing about language is how people can say, "I'm at ___ lbs/kilos," or "I'm ___lbs/kilos." The latter implies that the weight defines the person. I'm curious how long until I no longer include the preposition "at" when I express my weight.

I regret not posting more, but the end of January was stressful with multiple, tough scholarship essays to write. It occupied my mind, stressed me, got my parents yelling at me, and forced me to think about myself in ways that made me cry from self-slander. It digressed my efforts because I would emotionally eat, but the essays are done and no longer hold power over me.

For those who took the time to read, thank you! Even though I won't know if people read anything, I like to think that someone cares enough for a stranger to experience second-hand the horrors of an ED. The act of being truthful works wonders for the mind and conscience. Thank you, lovelies!

Skkai out.