Lucifer Appears Before Me

...in the form of sugar

Today was pretty much hell. We had an open discussion day in my first hour social studies, and I spent a little more than one hour staring at my friend's chocolate muffin resting upon the desk beside me. That chocolaty devil held my attention and destroyed my resistance to food. During the entire morning, my mind was thinking about that damn muffin. I tried to regain focus by thinking, "I have to bake cookies for the recital tomorrow. I can wait another 4-5 hours."

No, I couldn't. Just before the cafeteria closed, I purchased my own stupid muffin. I don't even think I enjoyed it. I ate it because every nerve in my body was craving it, but my mind shouted, "This is stupid. It's pointless. It's wasting 210 Calories!"

And then my food [sugar] cravings went through the roof. During AP Calculus, I actually did ask for one of those twizzlers. Plus I 'stole' a few pure-sugar candies from my friend next to me. And then 'begged' one of those 'Combos' (tubular, cheesy ritz bitz) right before running.

When it was time to run, I wanted to run for 5 miles. Unfortunately, it's about 30 degrees outside, so some snow melted and refroze across sidewalks. It would have been foolish to travel that far away in case someone falls or twists an ankle from the ice. We did hill sprints instead. I pushed myself until my field of vision narrowed to 3° (instead of the usual 95°). Everything was blurry, which gave the scenario a surreal characteristic.

Upon returning home, I felt like I already blew it today. I had two more slices of the cupcake-cinnamon-like bread before mixing the batter. I had probably the equivalent of 5-10 cookies of raw dough, which upset my stomach. I then had a large handful of grapes, and finished off the sugared jello. I hoped it was one of those days where my mom would leave me to prepare my own dinner. I would have just skipped it. My stomach felt like bursting.

Instead, she brought home dinner from a restaurant. I used to think it was an alright restaurant since it's rare to find authentic Puerto Rican food. I've grown to not like it simply because the food is full of salty garlic sauce that tastes fatty and upsets my stomach. Luckily she ordered chicken for me. When she was again gone about an hour later, I washed away all the sauce and seasonings from the chicken and had a few bites. Then I tossed out about half the rice, some of the now soggy bacalaito, and one of the over-cooked tostones. I felt bad for what I did because I believe it wrong to waste food, but she could not understand me not eating dinner.

It wasn't until 10:40pm when I began baking the dough (the cookies turn out best after being chilled). I finally got the recipe and method down where they turn out thick, soft, and rich in flavor. When I have the chance, I'll add a recipe tab to my blog and include my cookie recipe and technique. I stopped baking a little past midnight since the dough was too warm and I needed time to clean up.

I'm still warm from the sugar rush. I don't even want to know my weight right now. I feel like a fat, bloated glutton with grotesque thighs and butt. My dream is that with my weight loss efforts, my lower body will shrink.

Sorry if it's a long, ranty post. I feel like crap from the all the crap I've eaten today. I just needed to vent. Hope everyone's been doing well!

Skkai's out.