Well, I've entered the phase where all I want to do is exercise all day. I haven't yet built the stamina for that, and my body is making sure that I'm aware of it.
I love to run. The sights, the smells, the sense of travel. It's so euphoric. But I've been cursed with horrible shins--every cross country season, I've ended up with a few stress fractures. I'm trying to slowly build up my bone strength by running a pathetic 1 mile every other day. But my shins still hurt. And I've only ran for about a week.
And then I found the elliptical machine at the gym. That baby feels like I'm running through water. Slow and sluggish, but surprisingly pain-free and fun. Today, I swore to myself that I wasn't leaving the gym until I burn 500 Calories. I did this with about 1 mile of running (treadmill) for a little more than 100 Cal, 3 miles of elliptical for about 320Cal, and then biked until I spent about 100Cal. I felt dizzy during the end of the elliptical, and my vision started to fade. I told myself "Breathe! Breathe! Get that O2 to the head!" I might have subconsciously slowed down a little, but it was enough to not completely black out.
When I returned home, I was feeling alright. My Calf muscles were sore, but nothing too bad. The only bad thing was the dream during my nap shortly after settling down on my bed. I don't remember much about the dream, only that I was binging on GIANT marshmallows, running through the neighborhood around the gym and purging in a bunch of trashcans throughout. The strange part was explaining why I was throwing up to my friends as they wandered around the neighborhood.
By the time I awoke, I felt like I actually did binge/purge a bunch of marshmallows. I felt like I still had a giant lump of them in my stomach. It killed my appetite for a few hours. I can't stand how marshmallows feel in the stomach. They taste disgusting to me.
Friday, July 12, 2013
Sunday, July 7, 2013
I was tricked
...into eating food. My mother came to me and asked, "hey, I've created a new diet recipe. Do you want to try it?"
"Sure."
Soon enough, my mom called me to the kitchen to hand me a mini tortilla smothered in guacamole and huge strips of melted string cheese. She eagerly watched me, waiting for me to try her creation.
After a bite and politely saying how delicious it was, my mind went into full panic mode. I mentally calculated 500 Calories in the damn thing, (although it's probably more like 330-350), and I nearly purged the whole thing right back onto the plate. I couldn't handle the thought of that thing sitting in my stomach. It made me feel unusually fat and disgusting.
So I decided it was time to get out of the house. I hopped immediately onto my bicycle, pointed it in a random direction, and just started biking. I ended up at a friend's house 6-7 miles away, and was offered a lovely glass of water, too. I went back and did a few loops around random blocks through town before I finally decided to head back home. It was a little over an hour of biking in total, roughly 350 Calories burned. I was hoping for 500, but oh well. I'll just make it two hours next time.
"Sure."
Soon enough, my mom called me to the kitchen to hand me a mini tortilla smothered in guacamole and huge strips of melted string cheese. She eagerly watched me, waiting for me to try her creation.
After a bite and politely saying how delicious it was, my mind went into full panic mode. I mentally calculated 500 Calories in the damn thing, (although it's probably more like 330-350), and I nearly purged the whole thing right back onto the plate. I couldn't handle the thought of that thing sitting in my stomach. It made me feel unusually fat and disgusting.
So I decided it was time to get out of the house. I hopped immediately onto my bicycle, pointed it in a random direction, and just started biking. I ended up at a friend's house 6-7 miles away, and was offered a lovely glass of water, too. I went back and did a few loops around random blocks through town before I finally decided to head back home. It was a little over an hour of biking in total, roughly 350 Calories burned. I was hoping for 500, but oh well. I'll just make it two hours next time.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
I Feel Like A Dwarf
When I woke up today, I was thinking, "hey! I should create an actual exercise routine instead of just blindly running and weight lifting when I feel like it." So I hopped onto the internet and googled exercises for women, and the first link took me to a website that provided different exercise routines based on body type. I wasn't sure what body type I had, so I did google search upon google search until I did practically every type of body-related quiz or calculator out there.
My results: pear-shaped, thick-framed, endomorph. My interpretation: fat-assed, stocky, lazy body. Like a plump, thick, fluffy abomination of human flesh. And since I'm short, I feel like some ugly dwarf or garden gnome. Plus, all of these traits are basically considered "genetic," meaning no matter WHAT I do, I can't fix it. I'm stuck as a butt-ugly dwarf.
I mean, as a short person, I like to be compared to things like a "pixie" or "fairy." They're given feminine qualities, a delicate feel. They're described as mysterious, magical, and playful (sometimes even devious). Something that I want to be. Something that I want to identify with. Not this war-crazed, dirty, earthly dwarf. I don't want to be associated with a creature that hides away underground, happily digging tunnels and mining ore.
The other two, pear-shaped body and endomorph, I don't care as much. I've already concluded that I'll never be able to eat a cheeseburger without it going straight to my thighs. I'm used to being hungry, so having a "slow metabolism" feels like an inconvenience to me attaining my goal. And I don't give a sh!t about my fat distribution. It could be all on my ass, stomach, or boobs and I'd still want it all gone. And I know that with enough starving, it eventually will.
I'm trying to comfort myself by thinking of the positives of being "big boned." With thick bones, I can probably take more of a beating than other girls my size while sword fighting. Or that I'll look skinnier or bonier at a higher weight. But I don't care about seeming "skinny" or "bony." I just want to physically have less mass, have the stupid scale read the beautiful number "89lbs". And my stupid bones are getting in the way of that dream.
 |
| Accurate representation of me |
I mean, as a short person, I like to be compared to things like a "pixie" or "fairy." They're given feminine qualities, a delicate feel. They're described as mysterious, magical, and playful (sometimes even devious). Something that I want to be. Something that I want to identify with. Not this war-crazed, dirty, earthly dwarf. I don't want to be associated with a creature that hides away underground, happily digging tunnels and mining ore.
The other two, pear-shaped body and endomorph, I don't care as much. I've already concluded that I'll never be able to eat a cheeseburger without it going straight to my thighs. I'm used to being hungry, so having a "slow metabolism" feels like an inconvenience to me attaining my goal. And I don't give a sh!t about my fat distribution. It could be all on my ass, stomach, or boobs and I'd still want it all gone. And I know that with enough starving, it eventually will.
I'm trying to comfort myself by thinking of the positives of being "big boned." With thick bones, I can probably take more of a beating than other girls my size while sword fighting. Or that I'll look skinnier or bonier at a higher weight. But I don't care about seeming "skinny" or "bony." I just want to physically have less mass, have the stupid scale read the beautiful number "89lbs". And my stupid bones are getting in the way of that dream.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)