A Friend Decided to OD

...on some morphine.

So, I innocently logged on to skype at about 1 am, and friend #1 sent a distressed message. After a few exchanges, I found out that friend #2 finished his bottle of morphine about an hour earlier. Thus, began my evening trying to understand the situation.

I checked up morphine overdose, and he reported several symptoms, like feeling exhausted, nauseous, difficulties breathing. He has a pacemaker heart implant, so it was purposely keeping his heart rate up (which morphine would make low). Friend #1 and I proceeded to try and convince friend #2 to go get help, whether it be call poison control to know how to counter the morphine effects or go to the hospital. But neither friend #1 or I knew friend #2's location, address, cellphone, or anything to be able to forcibly sent police or help his way.

Friend #1 was able to get a hold of friend #3 through facebook. Friend #3 was facebook friends with friend #2's twin brother. friend #3 sent #2's brother a message to try and have him help friend #2, but she didn't get any reply. Apparently, #2's brother was out bowling late into the night. Out of desperation, I call poison control. They only said, "send him to a hospital, or try and contact the local police to get him in the hospital." It wasn't any help.

A few hours has gone by. Friend #2 still didn't want to go to the hospital because he didn't want to go to the psych ward. He's been there too many times, and he hates it there (which is understandable). But he's still said warning signs, like having to remember to breathe. Friend #1 and I were quite nervous, and we've tried to keep him awake until we hear from his brother (and hopefully manage to send him to a hospital to get OD help). Friend #1 and I keep talking to #2 to keep him awake, just in case he stops breathing in his sleep.

Eventually, #2's brother returns. They share the same bedroom, and his brother (being paranoid about #2's health) does keep a close eye for signs of complications. #2 warned me and #1 about his heart acting up if he doesn't get sleep, so we told him we'll let him go once we're sure #2 will tell his brother he feels ill and having some breathing problems. It's been about 4 hours, which I was told was the half-life of morphine. Friend #1 and I decide it was safe to leave #2 alone for the night.

Regardless, the whole situation was scary. I binged/purged halfway through it. I was shaking from nervousness while talking to the poison control. Even my gut was messed up when it was all over. But I kept a level head during the entire thing. I was determined not to let the anxiety and panic incapacitate me from being able to help the situation.

This entire experience made me even more sure about doing my pharmacology & toxicology major. I want to know more about this kind of stuff so I can be even more prepared for these kinds of situations. I want to be a doctor and help people like friend #2. This situation absolved all doubts about the path I'm taking. I want this, and I want to document this experience so I can remember this moment when everything became clear to me.

It is now 5:47am. Happy thanksgiving.

The sounds of food

...are driving me insane. My roommate is sitting on her bed, munching on some delicious smelling Cheez-Its. It's the only sound in our entire room. And I find it triggering beyond belief.

A few days ago, I did a stupid and tried purging a brownie that absolutely refused to come back up. The strain landed me a headache for two days, a stabbing pain in my stomach, and absolute fear of eating again.

I still don't trust myself with food, and I'm struggling to eat a healthier amount as recommended by my nutritionist. I can't tell if I'm feeling hungry or just a craving. I know I should eat... it's almost dinner, and I've had only 230 Calories. I'm supposed to shoot for at least 1350 Cal every day this week, but at the same time, I feel like I'm not allowed to. That there is some stupid, supreme power bearing down on me that forbids me to eat, and resisting it is futile.

A week ago, I would have been thrilled to make it to dinner with only 230 Calories. I wanted to end my binging and purging and just go back to restricting so I may get back to losing weight. But now, I'm wishing I can let myself eat and relieve the hunger sensations.

But I can't. I'm too afraid. I want to cry, and then cry in shame that I'm crying about eating. It's humiliating and pathetic. I want someone to convince me that it's acceptable to eat, but I feel like it would be a fruitless task.