The sounds of food

...are driving me insane. My roommate is sitting on her bed, munching on some delicious smelling Cheez-Its. It's the only sound in our entire room. And I find it triggering beyond belief.

A few days ago, I did a stupid and tried purging a brownie that absolutely refused to come back up. The strain landed me a headache for two days, a stabbing pain in my stomach, and absolute fear of eating again.

I still don't trust myself with food, and I'm struggling to eat a healthier amount as recommended by my nutritionist. I can't tell if I'm feeling hungry or just a craving. I know I should eat... it's almost dinner, and I've had only 230 Calories. I'm supposed to shoot for at least 1350 Cal every day this week, but at the same time, I feel like I'm not allowed to. That there is some stupid, supreme power bearing down on me that forbids me to eat, and resisting it is futile.

A week ago, I would have been thrilled to make it to dinner with only 230 Calories. I wanted to end my binging and purging and just go back to restricting so I may get back to losing weight. But now, I'm wishing I can let myself eat and relieve the hunger sensations.

But I can't. I'm too afraid. I want to cry, and then cry in shame that I'm crying about eating. It's humiliating and pathetic. I want someone to convince me that it's acceptable to eat, but I feel like it would be a fruitless task.