SICK >:(

I hate being sick. It keeps me in bed or on the couch away from my computer. I've been ill for the last week with a burning throat, headaches, stuffy nose and sinuses, and shivers. I despise every second of it. Especially since the last time I was sick, last October, I received the most painful ear ache that left me deaf of my right ear for about 3 weeks, though it still lingered. That was horrible, especially since I am a pianist, been one all my life, and am quickly bothered by dissonance and off-key sounds--and everything sounded like that for those 3 weeks!

But enough ranting about illnesses. Multiple holidays passed, many more in the next few days, and it should be a time of joy, or at least content. My family celebrates Christmas, so I naturally did my gift shopping on the 23rd. I felt proud when I finished with $10 left from my budget, and I'm thankful of what people gave me for Christmas. I only wish Christmas dinner went differently.

My mom had the lovely idea of seafood to celebrate. It started with shrimp appetizers and clam chowder while we wait for our entree to finish cooking. Shrimp is nearly irresistible to me, especially if I've only eaten a handful of grapes that day. I had the will to avoid the clam chowder, but my mom insisted I try it.

For the entree, we had what felt like a delicacy, baked snow crab. It was delicious, but I felt full before it was even served. Unfortunately, my family has the custom of never refusing food, so I couldn't refuse eating it. My tongue was glad, but my stomach and mind were furious. Especially when my parents offered my brother and I the last crab leftover. I shouldn't have eaten it, I didn't want to eat it, but I still ended up eating an extra quarter of a crab.

I felt nauseous. I was laying on my side for a few minutes after clearing my plate with horrible thoughts circling my head. "You're such a glutton!" "Why didn't you just say you're full?" "This will make you even fatter!" "Just purge it." I was arguing with myself trying to convince myself not to run to the bathroom. "That's a disgusting habit. Don't start it!" "You deserve your stomach pain for losing control of yourself." "Glutton sinners like you deserve to suffer." I couldn't take it. I did go to the bathroom, and tasted the bitterness of my decision.

The next day, my cough, runny nose, and other symptoms of a cold/flu struck with all their might, and I attempted to sleep for about 2-3 days straight. I'm feeling 80% recovered right now, and I'm counting the hours until I'm completely symptom free.

The last two days led to eating "forbidden" foods, or "taboo" foods such as cereal, chocolate, and marshmallows. The main bathroom no longer works, and it contains the only scale in the house. I've been unable to weigh myself for nearly a week, and felt anxious. I finally had a chance, and currently weigh 120.4lbs. At night. When I saw that number (and was expecting 123.something), I felt elated and nearly danced around the house. If I see 119.something at night at the start of the new year, I feel like I've accomplished at least something.

Happy holidays, readers. This is skkai signing out.

I know I'm Hungry

But I chose to not act upon it. Today was alright for calorie restriction. I was given candy in 4th hour, so I'm counting it as 100 Cal. After school, I succumbed to my senses and ended up having about 300 Cal of Cherios cereal. Compared to my past experiences of eating half a box of cereal in one sitting, I see this as an improvement. The only reason why I stopped was by thinking, "You'll always be hungry. You can't eat until satiation and be happy with your body image. It's pointless to continue to eat now."

Then dinner was leftovers. My option was some of my dad's mustard chicken with rice, but nothing to drink. I estimate that at about 500 Cal. But my raging sweet tooth led me to have three Oreos, about 210 Cal, since there was nothing else for snacks and dessert. That reminds me to make some sugar free Jello tomorrow after school so there'd be something to satisfy my sweet cravings. It has aspartame, an artificial sweetener, but I'm not worried. I did some research a while ago, and this is what I remember.

Contrary to popular belief, aspartame isn't hazardous. It's been one of the most tested artificial sweetener on the market. Some believe that aspartame can lead to cancer and other health risks based on one lab result. However, those results have statistically insignificant difference between the rats who ate aspartame and the rat who didn't, and those results has yet to be repeated. That makes the data invalid. An anti-aspartame company wanted aspartame banned, and funded a campaign spreading rumors of aspartame being hazardous and too good to be true. However, lab studies on rats and humans have shown that so long as people don't go over the FDA's allowance of 40mg per kg of body weight, there won't be any issues. The human body can metabolize aspartame with ease, and there's plenty of other foods and substances that produce more byproducts than aspartame.

The only problem is if someone had Phenylketonuria, a recessive genetic trait where the body is unable to process phenylalanine, an essential amino acid. Most modern doctors and hospitals include testing for phenylketonuria as a part of routine tests for children, so people would know if they had it. If people with the disease don't monitor their intake of phenylalanine, then they may suffer mental retardation. Aspartame happens to be a phenylalanine, so the FDA decided to make a rule where products with phenylalanine additives should be labeled on the package for those people.

I find it amusing how people act from rumor instead of learning if it's true or not. Back to my main point: I ended up having about 1100-1200 Cal today. I see ways I messed up, I see room for improvement, but right now I'm happy to get anything under 1500 Cal. At least I would be losing weight, not maintaining.

Skkai, signing out at 121.8lbs tonight. Good-morning/afternoon/night, wherever is appropriate for your location and time.

"Deal With It!"

I'm tired of the degrading insults my mind shouts at me whenever I see myself. It doesn't take much for the slanders to pour from my thoughts--a mirror, looking down, or my kinesthetic sense kicking into hyper mode can spark it. I'm tired of enduring, tired of thinking, "Deal with it. You'll get over it soon." It's been seven years! SEVEN PAINFUL YEARS of thinking how revolting my stomach pouch is, how grotesque my thighs are when I sit down, how my short statute makes my limbs look stubby and clumsy.

I've tried in the past to do something about it. I've made progress four years ago in my freshman year of high school where I wouldn't eat lunch. I got down to a respectful 113lbs. Then the dreadful summer camps with their all-you-can-eat style meals came along, with an extra 5 pounds in 3 weeks. My safety net was cross country in the fall, where I envisioned losing the extra weight with all the miles of running. But it never worked. I would just maintain.

I'm now in my senior year of high school, and no progress has been made. I ran all summer "training" for cross country with my friends, and fell into uncontrolled eating. I've reached 117-point-something pounds as my low, but my monstrous eating binges have led to weight gain. I dream, every day and night, of owning a thinner figure, but fail in my self discipline. I feel ashamed to admit it, ashamed at my weakness. But I feel now's a time for redemption. It's December 18th, three months into my adult life, and I regret not starting off on a better foot.

Now isn't the time to sulk about my mistakes and gorge on unnecessary food. It's the time to mend my ways. I don't know yet how I shall approach my problem, but I begin with this message to confess my past so I may forget and focus on my goal.

This is skkai, signing off at 123.8lbs. Stay healthy, readers!