Stupid Brain. Y U No Logic?

Not going to lie: September had been a bitchy month for me. It started out in panic, but now I feel numb and emotionless. I have little motivation to do anything other than what's necessary at the moment (homework, cleaning, going to meetings).

I'm seeing a therapist and a nutritionist. My therapist makes me feel so illogical with my thoughts, whereas my nutritionist makes me feel like I fail at a task as simple as eating (no shit, that's why they call it a fuckin' eating disorder). The worst part is that I think since I'm back to my numb-to-the-world state (instead of suicidal), so I feel like there's no need to keep going to the therapist. Plus, I have troubles physically speaking to people about my feelings, so most of the sessions consist of me saying 2-3 sentences, then long pause.

Plus, I'm in a weird relationship with my ED. I both want it and don't want it.

I want it because it's my sense of control. When I restrict and purge, it feels like I'm able to make this pile of flesh do what I want it to do, not what it wants to do. I feel powerful when I can skip meals and feel absolutely fine. I feel like a god when I hear friends say, "OMG I'M SOOO HUNGRY I DIDN'T HAVE LUNCH TODAY." When I restrict and purge, I feel like I'm "winning" at something.

On the other hand, I absolutely hate binging. Hell, I hate food in general. Food is my drug and poison: I feel like I must have it, but whenever I do consume it, I feel ashamed and physically sick. But at the same time, there is this desire for more. So my body wanders the kitchen or cafeteria in a trance, grabbing all sorts of food to binge on.

I hate the feelings of guilt and shame whenever I eat, but at the same time, I want to be able to eat without feeling horrible about myself. But I also don't want to stop restricting because I feel like it's the only way I can get a body I'm proud of, but now whenever I do restrict, I feel like I'm failing my nutritionist. Regardless of what I do, I never get what I want, and I never feel happy or confident in my decision to eat or not to eat.

And this is leaving me in a foul mood. Quick to want to kill somebody over nothing, quick to criticize my own decisions and impulses, quick to want to stop feeling this mood, and therefore quick to shut off my emotions and wander through life like a numb shell of a person.