The Fear

I really, really hate my ED right now. I'm scared to eat meals during the day, but then I lose control at night and splurge on binge food. This is a complete repeat of last year. COMPLETE repeat. I swore to myself that I'm going to be better, that "this is the year I'm going to fuckin' do it!"

But I think I fail to restrict because I'm afraid. I fear what will happen if I faint while walking to class, or while exercising. I fear every time I stand up and have to take a few breaths to stop the dizziness. I fear what will happen when I start eating after a long fast because of all the re-feeding horror stories about binging or stomach pains. I fear what will happen if other people notice me not eating. Most of all--I fear my emotions.

I notice I binge-eat when I'm stressed. It's my stupid coping mechanism when faced with deadlines and expectations. Food numbs me. Without food, I'm going to turn into a short-fused demon who will shy away from people and snap at anyone who approaches. I'll feel euphoric for half an hour, and then curl up in a fetal position crying the next. It's the same as when I refuse to sleep. It's my cover slipping off and revealing the insanity within me.

Why is it so easy for me to go 30-60 hours without sleep, yet can't even make 24 hours without food? I think it's because it's more socially acceptable to be an insomniac than having an eating disorder. People just say, "Oh, you can take sleeping pills," and shrug off the topic. There's no shame involved with insomnia as opposed to an ED. There's no fear with insomnia.

I need to accept my fears and dismiss them. It's my own punishment. I can endure it. 36 hours--only water, tea, and gum. That simple. 2pm Wednesday.

PS: For those who read my last post--I'm doing fine. I've talked to several people, and they've helped me. I'm not going to lie, though: I still feel suicidal, but to a less degree. I relax at the thought of doing it, but I don't feel the need to act it. Thanks for your concerns, though.