Ah, the Insanity!

Oh, how I embrace it with open arms!

Here's my situation: I'm currently attending a tough, (and expensive) university, and somehow received a scholarship for free tuition for up to four years. But that scholarship comes with a catch - I need to keep a GPA above a 3.0. My first semester, I took a tough class and ended up with 2.8 as my GPA. The program coordinators decided to allow me a second shot. What happened? I got extremely depressed and ended up with a 2.867 as my GPA.

Now I have to meet with my scholarship program coordinators again and convince them to give me a third chance. Haha, yeah, I'm so certain that I'm going to accomplish that [sarcasm]. I haven't told anyone about my situation, and my family believes I'm getting good grades and everything is going all peachy. They even took me on a vacation to freak'n' Switzerland over the summer. The entire time, a voice in my head kept saying, "you don't deserve this. They don't know. the money spent on this vacation should have gone towards your tuition since now you'll need it."

So, I've been having random panic episodes. Crying on the floor of my dormitory's den for an hour at 3am kind of episodes. My eating habits are all over the place: I've starved myself for two weeks, binged for a few days, done stuff to make me nauseous/purge, exercised like crazy, avoid exercise like the plague...everything.

I'm completely depressed right now. Suicidal, even. I've already planned how and when, but I'm worried it might not be high enough to actually kill. Don't worry, though - it is an if/then sort of suicide. If I get a third shot, then I get to live. Otherwise, I'm going to jump from the building's roof after I get the final verdict, which will be sometime near the end of September. I don't care if I'll hurt the people who "care" about me. Maybe they should sample some of the pain I experience. And I don't care what happens after death, even if it's torture in the depths of hell. It's not like it'd be any different from what I go through every day.

For the few who read this, have a nice day!