...February...

 As usual: weight goes up, weight goes down, I binge, I fast, I self-hate. I've not made that much progress comparing the start of December to the end of January--perhaps a median weight shift of -2 pounds. I consider it too slow, but progress is progress none the less.

My goal is to be near by UGW before I begin college in the fall. That's about 210 days (30 weeks) to lose about 30lbs. That's actually a reasonable goal. One pound per week connotes -500 cal per day, or about 1000 Calories allowed if I don't exercise. My goal calorie range is between 800 Cal and 1100 Cal simply because some days will be mess-up days. Of course, I plan on exercising about every day (since we need a rest day about once per week for affective strengthening).

The last two days I've been doing well sticking to my 1100 Calorie maximum. I ran today about 1.5 miles, roughly 150 extra calories burned. Although I feel like I did a bad job today since I ended at 1100 Cal exactly, I'm proud to say I effectively stopped a binge tonight. I woke up from accidentally sleeping while doing homework, and ended up walking to the kitchen. I had some jello, a slice of a strange cupcake-cinnamon-role-like bread, and was about to dive into a box of Cheerios (a point of no return). I hesitated, and was fought really hard the urge to think, "It's alright if you have a small handful. You ran, you can spare 50 Cal." I found it helped doing three things: closing my eyes, visualizing the Cheerios blue (their negative color), and imagining myself not sitting on the kitchen floor but at the living room, bedroom, some faraway place, etc. I distracted my mind by thinking about every detail in the new location until my body no longer focused on the cereal. Then I quickly got up, put the box away, and left the kitchen before my eyes caught another food item.

I was shocked when I awoke this morning and weighed myself. I went to bed at 121.2lbs and woke up at 119.8lbs. After running, I was at 118.6lbs. Right now, I'm at 120.2lbs. What's musing about language is how people can say, "I'm at ___ lbs/kilos," or "I'm ___lbs/kilos." The latter implies that the weight defines the person. I'm curious how long until I no longer include the preposition "at" when I express my weight.

I regret not posting more, but the end of January was stressful with multiple, tough scholarship essays to write. It occupied my mind, stressed me, got my parents yelling at me, and forced me to think about myself in ways that made me cry from self-slander. It digressed my efforts because I would emotionally eat, but the essays are done and no longer hold power over me.

For those who took the time to read, thank you! Even though I won't know if people read anything, I like to think that someone cares enough for a stranger to experience second-hand the horrors of an ED. The act of being truthful works wonders for the mind and conscience. Thank you, lovelies!

Skkai out.