I was tricked

...into eating food. My mother came to me and asked, "hey, I've created a new diet recipe. Do you want to try it?"

"Sure."

Soon enough, my mom called me to the kitchen to hand me a mini tortilla smothered in guacamole and huge strips of melted string cheese. She eagerly watched me, waiting for me to try her creation.

After a bite and politely saying how delicious it was, my mind went into full panic mode. I mentally calculated 500 Calories in the damn thing, (although it's probably more like 330-350), and I nearly purged the whole thing right back onto the plate. I couldn't handle the thought of that thing sitting in my stomach. It made me feel unusually fat and disgusting.

So I decided it was time to get out of the house. I hopped immediately onto my bicycle, pointed it in a random direction, and just started biking. I ended up at a friend's house 6-7 miles away, and was offered a lovely glass of water, too. I went back and did a few loops around random blocks through town before I finally decided to head back home. It was a little over an hour of biking in total, roughly 350 Calories burned. I was hoping for 500, but oh well. I'll just make it two hours next time.

I Feel Like A Dwarf

When I woke up today, I was thinking, "hey! I should create an actual exercise routine instead of just blindly running and weight lifting when I feel like it." So I hopped onto the internet and googled exercises for women, and the first link took me to a website that provided different exercise routines based on body type. I wasn't sure what body type I had, so I did google search upon google search until I did practically every type of body-related quiz or calculator out there.

Accurate representation of me

My results: pear-shaped, thick-framed, endomorph. My interpretation: fat-assed, stocky, lazy body. Like a plump, thick, fluffy abomination of human flesh. And since I'm short, I feel like some ugly dwarf or garden gnome. Plus, all of these traits are basically considered "genetic," meaning no matter WHAT I do, I can't fix it. I'm stuck as a butt-ugly dwarf.

I mean, as a short person, I like to be compared to things like a "pixie" or "fairy." They're given feminine qualities, a delicate feel. They're described as mysterious, magical, and playful (sometimes even devious). Something that I want to be. Something that I want to identify with. Not this war-crazed, dirty, earthly dwarf. I don't want to be associated with a creature that hides away underground, happily digging tunnels and mining ore.

The other two, pear-shaped body and endomorph, I don't care as much. I've already concluded that I'll never be able to eat a cheeseburger without it going straight to my thighs. I'm used to being hungry, so having a "slow metabolism" feels like an inconvenience to me attaining my goal. And I don't give a sh!t about my fat distribution. It could be all on my ass, stomach, or boobs and I'd still want it all gone. And I know that with enough starving, it eventually will.

I'm trying to comfort myself by thinking of the positives of being "big boned." With thick bones, I can probably take more of a beating than other girls my size while sword fighting. Or that I'll look skinnier or bonier at a higher weight. But I don't care about seeming "skinny" or "bony." I just want to physically have less mass, have the stupid scale read the beautiful number "89lbs". And my stupid bones are getting in the way of that dream.

I ate a forbidden food

And didn't feel guilty! (sort of) It was one of those long John donuts my dad brought from work. I haven't eaten a donut in over a year.

Earlier that day, I ran several miles, didn't eat lunch, and had a light supper. I was feeling hungry, and I calculated my calorie intake to be half of my daily allotment. When the thought crossed my mind, I dismissed it as another stupid craving. But then I thought, why not? I have probably exercised more than what it contained, and so I could afford it.

I grabbed that sucker off the dining table and sprinted to my bedroom. My heart racing from the feel of danger, I took my first bite. And swallowed. And repeated.

Half way through, dread kicked in. I started thinking that this will undo all my effort. Guilt plagued my mind; my jaws stopped chewing. I felt like purging. I almost did, too, but then I remembered that night that I binged on two entire pizzas plus a shit-ton of other foods, purged in tubberware containers, and shook for several hours afterwards--the night that I vowed to be my last purge episode.

With newly found determination, I took a deep breath and scarfed down the rest of that bastard. Chocolate goodness and all. All 420 Calories of it, gone, in my stomach.

I thought it was over then, but oh no. Right before I left the house to hang out with friends, my mom called me over to the living room. She stared at me, told me to turn around, and then asked, "Have you lost weight?"

Sheepishly, I nodded. "yeah."

"Well, it shows. Your jawline looks tighter."

WTF? I barely lost any weight, and she says she can see results? She lies. Or she's been watching me like a hawk and has a better sense of my body perception than I do (which is probably true). But I doubt it's noticeable. She probably just said that since I said I lost weight. It might be her form of encouragement. I don't want encouragement, but I acknowledge her effort at trying to be supportive (in an ironic sort of way).

As I turned around, my dad remarked, "How about that donut?" He knew I ate it (by process of elimination), but my mom then tensed up and started asking him a bunch of questions. He realized what he did, so I thank him for the sacrifice: he said that he ate the donut. My mom probably lectured him about bringing donuts, so I can only imagine. I owe him one, though.

So, do I have regrets? No. It was nothing more than just another experience. It had both positive effects and negative effects. But it was a decision I'm glad I did.

PS: Even after this ordeal, I felt like I was heavy. but the scale said otherwise. I claim that the scale is lying, too.

Well, That Was Triggering.

So, my mom is now starting to diet and exercise. I say good for her, especially since she has many weight-related health issues that may disappear after losing some weight. The only problem is that she is going overboard about talking about her diet.

She's pretty much the only person who cooks dinner in the house, so everyone in the house now has to follow her dinner diet plan. I at first was thrilled because now dinners are foods I consider "safe," like chicken, fish, and lots of vegetables and salads. However, she's now starting to preach to everyone in the house about dieting, exercising, and how to lose weight. I already KNOW all that stuff, and can even explain the biological mechanisms involved. I don't want someone to constantly be spewing out dieting tips and tricks ten times a day. It's very triggering, and I DON'T want to think about that stuff any more than I already do.

The worse thing is that she is now telling me that I should lose weight ("You don't say?!"). I already think that. You don't have to tell me every other day, pinching my arm fat IN PUBLIC while saying that. I used to actually like how my arms look, but after that, I absolutely HATE THEM. Thank you, mother. Thank you very much. You're not helping me with my self loathing, especially when telling everyone in the family, "We've joined forces in our dieting efforts."

And asking me a bunch of food or diet related questions was the most painful experience. "What's your food weakness?" "What was your heaviest weight?" "How much do you weigh?" "How long since you've last exercised?" Every single question brought up feelings of shame, guilt, and inadequacy. I just want to be left alone, left to my own devices with food. Since the end of the spring semester, I've not binged/purged at all. I've actually been able to eat "forbidden" food like cereal without guilt. But because of your words, mother, I've mentally beaten myself up and resorted to hard-core restricting.

The crazy part of me is thankful, because I now have the strength and determination to follow a 500-Cal or less per day plan. But the sane part of me (lol I have a sane part?) is cursing you for instigating unhealthy behaviors again.

Dang. I suck.

In terms of food, I have such horrible impulses. Like, HOLY CRAP WHY DID YOU JUST INGEST 65 GUMMY WORMS FOR A WHOPPING 2100 CALORIES WITHIN THE LAST HALF HOUR? Seriously! That's 1.3 POUNDS OF PURE SUGAR I INGESTED.

The smell of sugar is nauseating to me. Probably due to purging after binging on them countless times over the last few weeks. Usually, if I binge on gummy foods, it takes me four times as long to ingest that amount of gummies.

This is the same thing that happened to cereal almost a year ago. I binge on so much of it for such a short amount of time that now I can't stand the concept of eating cereal. Thinking about it makes me retch.

It's quite peculiar how my list of food aversions grows over the years. Here's a brief list and how it happened in no particular order:

• Jelly beans - ate an entire bag in one afternoon one summer in middle school. Ended up puking about two hours later.
• Cereal - Ate an entire 4 boxes in three days. Stomach and gut felt horrible.
• Apples - an apple was my entire lunch for about two years in high school. I hate eating them, but I will still force myself to eat them like a parent who forces kids to eat spinach.
• Cheese - Ate half a block of marble jack cheese on an empty stomach. I felt nauseous (didn't throw up) for about 18 hours afterwards. Can no longer eat cheese alone, but I can eat it with bread or crackers.
• Gummy worms (or other shapes) - Read first paragraph. Eating over a pound of that stuff in less than half an hour.
• Juice - When I realized that I ingested 800 Cal from lemonade during one family outing.
• Milk - Was eating the 4 boxes of cereal as mentioned earlier with milk. It's now only an ingredient for cooking.
• Instant ramen noodles - Eating four cooked blocks right before bed. Stomach was foul in the morning.
• Peanuts/mixed nuts - Eating a 5 pound jar of mixed nuts within 5 days.
• Potato chips - Eating almost an entire family-sized bag in one sitting. Self-loathing got me there.
• Muffins - Periodically, I'd eat a pre-packaged muffin for lunch in high school. And then I found mold growing inside, and I can't consider eating them anymore.
• Frosting - When I baked a cake, I had about a cup of frosting leftover. I didn't eat anything for about 12 hours, and then ate it all. Stomach wasn't pleased.
• Oreos - Shortly after the frosting incident, I could no longer bring myself to eat the frosting of oreos. I can still eat the cookie part, but I feel guilty for wasting all that frosting.

For a while, yogurt, peanut butter, and white bread were on there. I have overcome most of the food aversion reactions (like nausea), but I still tend to avoid them. Greek yogurt is actually sour enough that I can eat it without a problem, but I still have some hesitance for the regular, sweetened yogurt.

Hopefully, tomorrow I will be in complete control of myself and will avoid this tragedy in the future.

And Here's a Counter Example...

...to the previous blog post.

I've ended up not posting at all during the first semester of college, the entire winter break, and an entire six weeks into the second semester. Mostly, it's because I was too stressed to do anything during the first semester, too bored and lazy during winter break, and too depressed during the start of the second semester. And now, I have the determination and conviction to pick up my blog from where I left it.

I've had a running with a weight plateau, and I'm absolutely determined to break through it. My plan of action is based on the following rules:

1.  No more sugar. My sugar cravings and binges have gotten out of hand again, and I need a period to detox from the sugar spikes. This includes (but isn't limited to) gummy worms, ice cream, cookies, muffins, chocolates, brownies, pies, cupcakes, and candies.
2. Go for the most protein-dense dish or a salad. I often run into the "All the food options are bad for me" mentality, and end up spending 5-10 minutes staring at the different stations, knowing I need to eat something so my friends won't comment on an empty food tray. This rule should help my indecisive mind to get something I won't regret later.
3. No more den-food. Den food is rejected food from fellow floormates that don't want to throw it away. The food is usually chips, popcorn, yucky candy, a slice of pizza, or other high calorie foods. The ONLY acceptable den food is fruit or wholesomely cooked dishes (both rare occurrences). I'm going to absolutely hate this rule since it's banning me from free food, and free food is the best on my college-budget.
4. No eating four hours before bed. If cravings hit after 9pm, chew gum, drink water or tea, or exercise. Chewing and tea will give flavor, water and tea will give fullness, and exercise will relieve stress and make me sleepy.
5. No snacks during study group. Everyone can see all the food you eat, and it would be horrible to trigger a binge in front of them. Gum or sunflower seeds instead before caving in to the pressure.
6. Sunflower seeds for salt-cravings. They take a long time to eat, making it tough to binge on. Plus, binging/over eating them causes salt-blisters on the lips, which become painful enough to want to stop eating for a few hours.
7. Drink water! When I wake up, around noon, before dinner, and before bed. Two cups each time, and I should meet my daily intake easily.
8. SLEEP. Insomnia and binging go hand in hand. Sleep will help my mind stay awake and alert in academics. It will also help my body recharge after workouts.

There may be more rules added, but these address my downfalls and provide solutions. Other than that, I plan on a 1000Cal cap on my daily intake, and won't punish myself unless I go over 1600 (Which is supposedly my BMR, although I'm absolutely positive convinced it is too high for me). Punishment means brushing teeth with the yucky (but thorough) toothpaste. On days that I go below the SGD calorie cap, I earn sushi the following day. I absolutely love the vegetable sushi, but it's quite expensive. I never know when I should have it, or at least when I deserve something so wonderful--this will fix that.

Well, I'll post when I have the chance. Hopefully, the stress doesn't get to me and I can notice a change by the end of the month.

It seems that....

I only really post here when I make a slip up. Here's yet another example:

Yesterday I started out on the wrong foot. I planned to have only a little scrambled eggs and a bowl of watermelon cubes, but the cafeteria was in the middle of making a fresh batch. I then ended up grabbing a chocolate muffin (haven't had one for so long!), and then ended up grabbing a bagel,too. It turned into one of the largest breakfasts in such a long time, and the majority consisted of highly processed carbs.

So I skipped lunch, and had over half a boca burger for dinner. Not too bad, right? Well, the dorm RAs decided to have a surprise pizza party in the basement around 10:30pm. I politely had a slice, and idiotically triggered binge cravings. They had way too many cheese sticks leftover, and just gave me half a box (about the size of a medium pizza). Last night consisted of shoving every one of those things down my throat only to purge them back into the box (so gross when I reflect upon it). Luckily, I don't have a roommate right now--I woke up about two hours before everyone else on my floor did, so I could air out my room and clean up the evidence. My stomach still feels ill, so I am skipping breakfast and lunch but will have a salad for dinner (and boat loads of water--I'm still extremely thirsty).

I only have about a week and a half of classes left, so I want to go home with at least some sort of progress.